Discovering your man’s pornography habit can be one of the most emotionally disturbing events of your life. So many thoughts arise. Why? Am I not enough? How can I compete with that? And the list goes on. Or, you may be on the other end of the spectrum. You see nothing wrong with your man watching pornography and may even have dabbled in it yourself, but you do notice that your husband seems to lack interest in you. You walk past him naked and it’s like you’re not even there. Or, when you are intimate, he treats your body like an object and fails to truly connect with you.
No matter where you are on the spectrum, you have seen the impact pornography can have on your relationship and you want answers.
Over on Instagram, we answered the commonly thought, yet often un-asked question, “Is pornography okay in marriage?” (Spoiler alert! Our answer was, “No.”) While many women and men have a strong feeling that pornography is not okay, many do not know the actual truth about pornography. Many men do not understand the root of their problem, while women often think their man’s pornography habit is there fault. For that reason, we wanted to share the truth about pornography and put all untruths to rest.
The Truth
- Many men struggling with pornography were exposed to it at a very young age.
- He may have turned to pornography due to a sense of toxic shame: the belief that he is horribly broken and beyond hope.
- He would struggle with pornography no matter who he married.
- His use of pornography is not your fault.
- Cold turkey often does not work. Be prepared for several slip ups.
- Pornography works like a drug that rewires the brain, training him to desire the hormonal rush from porn instead of sex with you.
- Pornography trains your man’s brain to desire novelty, variety and selfish pleasure.
- Pornography leads to objectification of women as sexual objects.
- Research shows that even moderate exposure to video pornography makes users feel less satisfied with their partner’s sexual performance and physical appearance.
- Many men get to a point where they can no longer perform without imaging themselves in a pornographic situation.
- You will never be “enough” for a man who watches pornography. He has to rewire his mind to make you his beauty standard again.
- He may try to blame you to protect himself from shame.
- He may blame his inability to perform on your weight gain, weight loss or general appearance.
- Pornography is a form of infidelity. A licensed professional counselor notes, “He is receiving sexual gratification from other women. In my mind, that is infidelity.”
- Your marriage can recover from your man’s use of pornography.
- Forgiveness is an important step in the healing process, but do not rush it out of obligation.
- You will likely need to seek help for the personal trauma related to his addiction.
- There are three stages to recovery: Impact, Meaning and Moving On.
- Your man’s recovery is his choice.
- If he chooses not to change his behavior and work to restore your trust, it is not your fault.
- You are not responsible to fix him.
- You are responsible for communicating to your man what trustworthy and trust-building behavior looks like to you and what hurtful behavior looks like to you.
- You are responsible for seeking help for yourself so that you can cope with debilitating and negative emotions.
- Lashing out is unproductive.
- Repeating reaffirming truths to yourself is beneficial: “I am beautiful”, “I am desirable”, etc.
- It is important to request openness and honesty about his struggles.
- Knowing you believe in him and support him will assist in his healing and deliverance process.
- Boundaries may be necessary, including temporary separation and/or a period of abstinence.
- Your marriage is not ruined.
- God can restore your trust, love and your marriage.
Source: Covenant Eyes, Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives